Full Disclosure: I downloaded this “game” like everyone else. I’ve never felt so pleb.
Here at Burpy Fresh, we try to remain positive when reviewing games. We tend to pass over games we dislike rather than be negative. But sometimes, we just can’t stay silent. David Lynch is a habitual line-stepper, and enough is enough. There’s so much to go through, I’m just going to break it down step by step. (Take a few pointers there Lost Highway.)
- Ol’ Davey is clearly just dialing it in on this one. It’s like he already knows that my life is a complete failure without even meeting me. Just look at the sadness in his face. He knows everything. HE ALREADY KNOWS. Every time he says “Good Job!” I know I’m just one step closer to death. I think it might be because I don’t have a right index finger, but with him, you never know what else is at play.
- The bug is not USB3 compatible. I’ve gone through every cockroach in the house trying to find one that worked, but the best I could find was Android 5 pin, and I have an iPhone now, so I threw it in some boric acid. (Which there is NO button for by the way.)
- Nothing is spoken backwards, rendering my reverse audio app useless. (That’s some free I’ll never see again. I spent 15 seconds searching for that, too.)
- Every time I held down A, I felt a tingling down my left leg, not dissimilar to when I had a slipped disc, but it was more insistent. Other keys left me unaffected, except for J which remains untested.
- The game did not help me up when I was writhing in agony on the floor due to bath salts/tide pods/mid-life crisis.
- I feel nothing anymore.
As you can see above, clearly Lynchy, your typing tutor needs some more work. Here’s my recommendations.
- Give more motivation to learn typing. Tell a story, or better yet, bring in that short weird looking dude and get him to stare into our soul for a few hours. People’ll be all ASDF JKL: all day long.
- Different carpets.
- More fingering options.