Full Disclosure: I have no idea who this guy is. I kinda want to meet them and get really drunk though.

 

Sometimes you decide screw it, I’m going to pay the two bucks and see what’s in the box. I was first drawn to Luke Sidewalker by its promise of “featuring unGooglable music and a 4:3 resolution.” And I do have to admit, while there is no current way for me to Google an actual waveform directly (and not “Shazam” music or what have you), Google itself CAN however Google the the crap out of any music in this game because we were just accused of copyright violation by YouTube’s automated search minions.

 

Yeah, good luck getting all 10 cents from this views from this video - SUCKER.
Yeah, good luck getting all 1.3 cents from the 4 views from this video – SUCKER.

 

Ima let this slide though, because the music in this game is crazy good. Especially the intro music. I could let that bastard just sit there and listen to it. Actually you really should do that, like with some good headphones and a bag of chips and just let it wash over you. So chaotic and yet rhythmic. I’m actually listening to it right now. So good. Man I love this intro screen.

In this game, you play a Larry David type who has to go on a series of chores for Olive Oyl that involve walking down a New York street while avoiding a number of predictable New York stereotypes. (Liberals, amirite?) The gameplay involves pressing the right button until you win or run into something. If you run into something, try not pressing right. Then press right again. Repeat until you win. If you really feel like you’re up to the challenge you can also try pressing up and down. (ADVANCED PLAYERS ONLY). Think of this game as Double Dragon, but without the fighting. Or the items. Or the hot chix waiting for you on the other side. But instead, you face off against a mob of plebs by yourself with nothing but your false sense of superiority and a mild tolerance for passive aggressiveness.

Passive Aggressive Single Dragon-Like Man. PASDLM doesn’t have as nice a ring to it though.

 

Those tours are garbage.
It’s like I’m really there. (Actually kinda.)

 

You can put your fragile ego and low self-esteem back on the shelf though, this isn’t a game about winning or losing. This is a game about the journey, the pounding of the roughest of pavement from A to B and all the rest of the alphabet in between regardless of what your wife-type character wants. It’s about not just living in your city, it’s about being one of the blood cells that courses through its veins. It’s about belonging.

Or maybe it’s just a gimmicky sprite mash. Eh, it’s 2 bucks. That’s worth the music alone.

Luke Sidewalker is available on Mac and PC here.

 

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