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Super Crate Box – FREEview

FREEview:  Super Crate Box

FREEview is our weekly review of totally free shit.  All honey, no money!

logos rule

It is stupidly hard to review a game you can’t stop playing.  I boot it up and promise to only play for five more minutes.  I have a review to write after all!  Two fucking hours later, I haven’t written shit.  Not a stupid useless word.  Fuck this game for being so dang good.  But let’s just slow down here for a minute.  What in god’s name is Super Crate Box?

Single Screen Rogue-like Platform Shooter?

So those were a lot of words but I’m sticking with them.  Imagine the old original Mario Bros.  You know the one before it was called SUPER.  Yeah that one.  Single screen and tons of shit comes flooding in from the top.  And just like in Mario Bros, the enemies don’t even care about killing you.  They just want to get to the bottom of the screen.  Except for the damn ghosts… oh fuck those are in both games!  Starting to see some patterns here.
Fuck this ghost too yo

Look at these dumb ass ghosts.

Fuck Boo

Rogue-like might be a bit of stretch but lemme try it anyway ya lousy ingrate:  Randomly spawning enemies attack you while you pick up have random boxes with random weapons in them.  Then you die  You lose everything and have to start right the fuck over.  Oh goddamn it is a rogue-like.  Every time you play and kill more shit, you get access to more levels, weapons, characters and modes but only after you die.  YOU MUST DIE.



Wait just a goddamn minute, I don’t need to review a game from 2010.  I’m done, so go and download it right the fuck here.  Man, why didn’t somebody tell me this thing was released back then?  Thanks for nothing jerkass!  Well, enough of this “reviewing” and back to the game.  Seriously I have died like over 1000 times at least.  It is just that good.  Thanks a ton my homies at Vlambeer for making a great lil thingy.

By Henry Demos

Henry Demos plays bass for his day job in the band Nice Legs. It rules. He also talks trash on twitter so come join him!