Categories
Archive

Disc Room – Hades on Earth

Disc Room is available as a DRM free download (along with a bunch of other good stuff) for subscribers to the Humble Monthly Bundle.

Why are some of the blades on fire? Why?

Trapped in an endless maze pursued by ghosts. Running through a psychedelic hell chased by ambulatory fungi and horribly mutated reptiles. Mocked by a sadistic computer and dying repeatedly while solving it’s seemingly pointless challenges. Wading through a gauntlet of slime forever slashing through the disturbingly cheerful multicolored ooze only to gain the ability to kill more slime and wade even deeper into the mindless muck.

Let’s face it video games are a manifestation of hell in a digital format. And not the cool sort of Catholic Hell with demons and fire and Slayer. No, video games are more like Hades with bullshit Greek-ass punishments where you have to repeat a task over and over for no reward. Every time Sisyphus pushes that rock up that hill, he gets a point and the level up jingle from Dragon Warrior plays. Doodoodododo doot doo! Now do it again, fool!

Disc Room by Kitty Calis, Jan Willem Nijman, and Doseone* is video game Hades at it’s best. It came as a bonus in one of them Humble Monthly packs, and like most months I played waaaay more of this than I did any of the AAA titles.**

The purple ones are the ones that will done getcha.

Here is the story of Disc Room: You awaken in a room. There are no visible exits. Whirling blades of death emerge from the floor and begin careening around the room. You run for your life. You know it is futile but you run anyway. It’s funny what we will do for just a few seconds more of this dreary existence, isn’t it? Blades keep appearing and you keep running, but eventually you slip up and you die a painful messy death. Finally it is over. But no, you awaken again. The memory of your flesh being rent from your bones still fresh in your mind. You are in a room with no visible exits…

This is the fate we must all face.

The gimmick is that with the press of a button you can slow down time. This allows you to maneuver through tight gaps and extend your limited lifespan even further. Your hitbox is actually quite small, so a lot of the fun of Disc Room comes from slowing time and squeezing through the smallest of gaps with spinning bloody death closing in on you. If you make it to 30 seconds in a give room you unlock more levels. You still die. Horrible. But now there are new ways to die. Some of them are fire. So there’s that.

*Members of the Vlambeer team. Makers of Nuclear Throne and Super Crate Box among others.

**People in the Humble Monthly comment sections are always bitching about the dearth of AAA titles, and I’m all like “Um, the weird ass indie games are the gems of this whole enterprise, nerds.”

Categories
Archive FREEview

Super Crate Box – FREEview

FREEview:  Super Crate Box

FREEview is our weekly review of totally free shit.  All honey, no money!

logos rule

It is stupidly hard to review a game you can’t stop playing.  I boot it up and promise to only play for five more minutes.  I have a review to write after all!  Two fucking hours later, I haven’t written shit.  Not a stupid useless word.  Fuck this game for being so dang good.  But let’s just slow down here for a minute.  What in god’s name is Super Crate Box?

Single Screen Rogue-like Platform Shooter?

So those were a lot of words but I’m sticking with them.  Imagine the old original Mario Bros.  You know the one before it was called SUPER.  Yeah that one.  Single screen and tons of shit comes flooding in from the top.  And just like in Mario Bros, the enemies don’t even care about killing you.  They just want to get to the bottom of the screen.  Except for the damn ghosts… oh fuck those are in both games!  Starting to see some patterns here.
Fuck this ghost too yo

Look at these dumb ass ghosts.

Fuck Boo

Rogue-like might be a bit of stretch but lemme try it anyway ya lousy ingrate:  Randomly spawning enemies attack you while you pick up have random boxes with random weapons in them.  Then you die  You lose everything and have to start right the fuck over.  Oh goddamn it is a rogue-like.  Every time you play and kill more shit, you get access to more levels, weapons, characters and modes but only after you die.  YOU MUST DIE.

Seriously.

super-crate-box-vs-mariomario-bros

Wait just a goddamn minute, I don’t need to review a game from 2010.  I’m done, so go and download it right the fuck here.  Man, why didn’t somebody tell me this thing was released back then?  Thanks for nothing jerkass!  Well, enough of this “reviewing” and back to the game.  Seriously I have died like over 1000 times at least.  It is just that good.  Thanks a ton my homies at Vlambeer for making a great lil thingy.